Dimag Khali Karna Padhega

The constant fear of doing something wrong led me to believe that I have to be perfectly presentable everywhere. And there was a loop of me worrying about everything and nothing. I needed to be this know-it-all. When I go to a parlor, I should have  know the prices before hand. When I go to buy vegetables, I needed to know where to look, who to ask. When I stepped out of my house, I needed to know the schedules of the neighbors to make sure I don't pass the                           because, they might ask something I dont have the answer to. 

There is more, theatre hi lelo, I went to Lucknow to finally be able to say that I am a theatre actor. I had expected that I'll complete the workshop and perform a play in front of the audience. And I'll be able to proudly say that I am a theatre actor. 

It never happened. But does that make me a noob? No. So now I was in a state of, Oh I know just enough to call myself a theatre person, but not enough to call myself a theatre artist. 

All this chaos because I thought that if you cross a certain threshold, you become an artist. When the reality is. Keeping an open mind by accepting that I still don't know anything is the only way I can go to a place with full enthusiasm to learn more and more. 

I do not want to care about how people live aajkal. The only thing I understand that at the end of the day, hungry or with a full belly, I am the one who has to live inside my head. So, instead of trying to be this fake person. I am ready to say at every chance that I do not know. I intend to be a performer. 

I intend to be a content person. I want the luxury of never looking at my bank balance before doing something I want to do. 

And for that, I genuinely need to remember the importance of Emptying My Mind. 

Which is? The emptiness lets me breath a calmer air. 

The emptiness lets me approach life with a zeal never seen before. 

The emptiness lets me jump at opportunities. 

The emptiness erases the darkness and void. 

The emptiness lets me believe that I can receive. 

To empty the sorrow, the guilt, the hatred, and letting the light come in. 

It is a process of absolute presence. 

Now I feel that every time I need to think more. That is the only moment I know exactly what I want. 

for eg. I wanted gymnastics to be a new fun in my life. But I started second guessing, knocking around other options. Started fighting the whatifs and what not. 

I wanted Gymnastics. I did not want to learn self defense, or martial arts, or badminton. 

I want to play. Like a monkey. 

But the closer you get to what you want, the faster you fight to choose anything but that. Because you do not want to fail at something that's fun to you.

I am learning, I am understanding, I am growing. 

And the bottom line is, I just want to stay  that I don't know. And what I do know, is obvious common sense to me. 

So am I smart? I don't know? But am I an amazing student? You bet I am.