Diary - 25th March 2023
Morning, Noon and Night.
The Choas ka corner in mind.
It is self explanatory when I say that I have never been a morning person. Yet, I have always wanted to be the morning person with perfect life.
As I have grown through out my life( just 22 here btw), it has come to my attention that nobody has life figured out. Not even the morning person with "perfect life". So exactly how am I supposed to 'fix' myself?
The answer is - YOU DONT.
The day started with the most difficult tasks of all, waking up when I am told by the body. The body has a way of telling us that it is fully rested and allows us to wake up.
Now the thing is, I am a vivid dreamer who enjoys wherever the dreams take me. So when I am shaken away from that world and brought back to this. I do not enjoy that.
It is not about how tired I am, how lazy I am, or how sleepy I am.
I simply love watching the dreams inside my head as if it is a movie in itself.
As Billie Eilish Said, "When we all fall asleep, where do we go?"
Well, I don't know but it seems like a place I don't naturally want to leave.
I have often think about this world being the dream, and that world being the reality. Or what if I am the world inside the mirror. Mirroring the real version's actions, that's why having so little control over my actions. Those are the thoughts I ponder on when no one is looking.
Back to my sleep, I love it obviously. But ab it's time to say adieu to it.
So this is a thankyou to my sleep. My imagination, dreams and sleep is a huge reason for me being alive. Cigarette was added to the list later on. But it could never give the peace of mind that sleeping brings to me.
In full honesty, sleeping has been like a gate away drug. It comes to me even when I don't think about it, almost like an obsession. To fall asleep every time I think too much. To fall asleep whenever an external force makes me uncomfortable. Anything and everything makes me sleep.
I can stay this character, if I want. The late-latif, can sleep anywhere and everywhere, and creates a mess for every one and still everyone loves this person just enough to tolerate them.
BUT I DONT WANT THAT.
Lately, I have been confused if I am capable of wanting something. And I rarely see people whose idea of want aligns with me. Still, what I definitely want is to be a responsible person who brings laughter and joy wherever they go. A diligent person who gets shit done. I want to sit in conversations not lectures. I want to dance one minute, sing the other, give auditions, do sports, try writing songs, be a part of a community.
And I am saying this after thorough thinking about life.
Perfection- The most annoying thing a parent can teach their child.
My mother believes that one should strive for perfection. But not because they are ziddi, not because they want to show it to someone, not because it's a fun process. But because in all honesty, that gives meaning to life for some people. And it should be my meaning too.
I disagree. Just because everything is learnable, does not mean one wants to do it. Just because it brings prosperity, respect, comfort or simple joy. It is not necessary for anyone to enjoy life just because they can do it.
As humans, we all look for the meaning of life, why humans were put here? is this a race? is there a reward? And like my mother, we all approach it with our own capacity. Yes, it is depressing to think that we are just a speck in the universe. Yes, it is disappointing to think that most of us do not leave anything behind.
But that is the thing that stayed with me. Just Simply Existing, is not wrong.
I just want to simply exist and exit. Yes, it would be more fun to do the things I love along the way.
Yes, there is a possibility of making it big just by doing the things I love. Yes, I can leave something behind unknowingly.
But I do not like to dwell on that. That is the one and only thing in life that I do not like thinking about.
So sleeping has to go. Because I no longer want to enjoy it.
I feel lost on most days because I am supposed to be in this pursuit of making it big. When in full honesty, I just want to enjoy, have fun, make friends, make memories of this era.
To contrast that, there is the thinking that we are all part of this huge plan by god.
The delusional stories I have heard from my mother makes me sad. Because I get why you would want to believe that all that pain had a purpose in your life. But the thing is, pain just happens.
Think about it, every time something good happens, we do not go out of our way to sew it into these chain of events that might be a part of bigger plans. But we definitely want to believe that bhagwan ek haath se leta he to dusre se deta he.
It's all just a way of living life the best possible way. And it is to have hope, to have stories told in different religions to keep us from trying things we might absolutely regret.
Without a problem, there is no use of the solution.
It is a paradox that I absolutely love.
- I do not know the problems of a open chulla. So I don't realize the importance of a gas stove.
- I do not know how it feels to rush with food so that it does not go bad, so I do not see the joy of having a fridge.
- I have not felt the fear of being raped, abducted or killed, So I do not realize the importance of a family.
- I have no idea what illiteracy does, so I do not realize what a privilege it is to be writing on this laptop.
- I do not know how it feels to wake up without a country of your own, So I do not acknowledge the protection that being a part of a country brings.
I can go on, but the jist of it is. I genuinely think that human race should keep the problems alive.
Otherwise we'll run out hope before we can reach the ultimate happiness.
This Diary is just some of the thoughts I think.
Over-analysis
Zada analysis karna fucks up the fun. Gana baje to nach lo, movie dekhi he to maze se dekh lo.
It is so obvious, if you like a certain kind of music, it is because you have the same thought process.
You do not have to elaborate and critic everything in the way. Are yaar, if you did not understand or connect with Mirza Ghalib's Poetry, you would not like it.
If you did not enjoy the new trend of tik tok, maybe it was just not your style.
Tumko maza nahi ata in certain kinds of movies, then sir/madam, it is not for you.
This Fomo that digital times has created, I do not enjoy it. If I am supposed to know every single director and actor, watch all the movies, know all the lyrics, know all the production houses, then have a favrouite unme se. Are Insan hu yaar, sab mujhe hi pata hota to google kyu banaya.
Every memory is supposed to be a part of any of the core memories.
If it is not part of a core memory, if it does not bring you any actual joy. Then there is no point in running after being a know it all.
I always wait for someone to recommend me something or share their favorite song. Because in the end emotional memory is the strongest of all.
The lack of happiness in the world right now, might be because of it.
Also, what makes finland so special? I have to read about that.
Questions-
- Why am I not going to theatre and instead choosing sports ?
- Why am I not picking up the books that I already have?
- When will I start reading the plays that I have in the whatsapp group?
- Which permanent schedule will I use? Or are we skipping the idea of writing?
- What will it take for me to learn how to travel alone! in train? buses?
- How do I avoid another breakdown?
- How Do I use the 10,000/- to its full potential?
- How do I not repeat my behavior with my mother. ?
- How do I get better at talking to people? and mingling?
- What's my happiest memory?
TO DO-
- Monday ko introductions at Aram Nagar Casting Agencies.
- Get an Artist Card.
- Print out more photos.
- Print out your schedule.
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