Dear Diary,

 No one mentioned that growing up would mean less of Lavanya. I feel like I am stuck in a loop. I want to make a change but I dont know how. The Kitchen is a mess, the bedroom looks like a trash. I should clean it up. Right? But I dont feel like it. If everything is going to be the same eventually, then why put the effort of making it look like I care. 

I picked up so many habits from others, like smoking, staying unhygienic, abusing. Basically everything bad. I sometimes wonder, I love how this friend of mine always stays absolutely clean, or how the other friend is never late. But it never occurred to me that maybe I could do that too. 

Its like Lavanya never learned to be her own person. To learn the good from people, because she never realized that other people put in the effort to become who they are. They are not naturally good at it. 

Now, I am going to talk about myself as a second person. 

Lavanya never wants to let anyone down. She never wants to fail, she makes sure to help anyone and everyone she finds. And in that sweet spot of helping, I realize that Lavanya is all about helping. But when the sun sets and she shifts all the shit aside and makes space  on her bed to sleep. She does not help herself.

I mean think about it, what  I am going through right now would happen to someone else. Then she would tell that person to make a habit to clean the house. She would tell them that "hey! I saw your dancing videos!, You dance quite well, and ooooh your photography is so cool too." 

Lavanya would jump on the chance of finding a solution for the other person, but when it comes to herself. She just wants to stay in that stinking t-shirt, in her filthy house. And does not want to change a thing. 

I, Lavanya, have become someone who forgets herself the most. I have become this version of chaos and nothingness. I am afraid to become anyone at all. 

Going through 13+ schools, every year a different lavanya. I think I have run out of personalities. On good days I do want to see what else can I do. But TBH, I just want all the lavanya's back. 

I am snarky, sarcastic, straight forward and mostly rude . It doesn't matter to me what the other person's story is, because everyone has a story. A well rehearsed one, a story they tell every time they meet someone new. So, no, I don't care about other people's stories anymore. 

I don't even care about my own story anymore. Because trust me when I say this, I have only met 1 other lavanya. And after looking at that person for long enough. I realize I don't want to be like that. 

I don't want to be pushed around, I do not want to look for dreams in other people. I don't want to go through hell and realize that no one really cares. 

But then again, most of us in this world are alone. People still find joy, connections, and routine. 

So, here is my 2023 list. 

Its, a list of things I want to nurture in my personality. 

1. I want to go for a walk every morning. 
2. I want to dance again. 
3. I want to garden. 
4. I want to act in theatre.
5. I want to be a squeaky clean person. 
6. I want to have a lean-muscular body.
7. I want to read daily. 
8. I want to be a writer. 
9. I want to have my own style. 
10. I want to meditate. 
11. I want to play games every day. 

Yes, I have to start from the beginning . But, I think its all about what brings me joy at the end of the day.  Plus+ there is this issue, a possibility that I forget things, but I am too young to be worried about that possibility. 

I have always said to myself, "there will be another day, another morning, another job, another play". But I don't want to think that anymore. 

From now on, I only have today.