The loss of Innocence.

Today I realized that I have this unsaid power. This power is intangible, one can't really steal it from me and I can't gift it to somebody.

The story happened like this after my friends met my family for the first time. My mother did a trick on me. She asked all of my friends to sit with her in a locked room and had a long chat with them. Later even I did not ask my friends about the issues that were discussed in that locked room. Because let's be honest, money is the sole issue of adulthood for failed parents. 

"Oh! it is difficult for us what if it's difficult for our child too?" 

Never mind that I got sidetracked. 

So, back to now. 

My mother is trying to make me talk about my friends but in full honesty. I can't willingly do that. 

It is not like my mother has a great track record of her behavior with my friends. I mean she called my best friend in 6-7th standard, a rapist. A child, who does not even know the meaning of rape, was called a rapist. That friend was never really the same after it. 

She has mentally stabbed my friends, my colleagues. She pokes around their brain, not even caring what she knocks down in the process. 

And, no, you can't say that she did it because she was concerned about me or my friends or my health. No, in actuality, she projected all her doubts onto a mind who did not even know the meaning of simple adult words like alcohol or addict or sex or rape. 

She was constantly worried about so many shitty outcomes in my life that she practically made it a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

One Day, I come home tired after a long thoughtful walk from school to home, and I am declared to be a druggy that is late because I am doing awful things to my body.  I was in 8th class. 

Some might say I was an adult in 8th, but that was my first year of exploring the possibilities of my brain. 

She called my friend a rapist because we came out of a basement theatre entrance at 7:00 pm after being missing for an hour. We were learning backstage work and helping. I was in 6-7th. 

She thrashed me multiple times in public places because apparently, I was too revealing or lusty in my behavior. I was in 6th and barely had boobs. 

Sure, when she found out that I was sexually harassed, thankfully she did not put the blame on me. But the thing is, she never says it. She doesn't really care if I was traumatized by that experience, because women should be used to sexual harassment because otherwise we cant function and work and bring money back home. 

In 5th my friends went to her to talk about me and the dresses I need, they never came back to me and just avoided me till the last day. In 7th my elder friends were concerned about my degrading health and wanted to talk to my mother. The next thing I knew, I was taken away from that school. 

The reason behind my dislike for her is. 

Either she destroys other people's peace of mind in the name of ' I am worried for my young female child'. 

Or it's, how dare you tell me how to raise my child. 

In 11th I studied in a school, Study hall for 3 months. It was a good school. But I had a shaved head, and sure the event triggered because I locked my cigarettes in my almirah and she got curious and broke my almirah timing led that on that particular day, my psychology teacher was concerned about my shaved head and called my mother. 

The teacher wanted to know if they have to be alert around me in case I have some physical issue. 

But one thing led to another, my mother panicked at the mention of depression and within minutes she took my TC in the same hour. I was never seen in that direction again. 

In what world is it okay to remove a depressed child from education. and that too when that child had shown great feats in education. 

To conclude, my mother is full of shit and she expects a reaction out of me. 

But then again, she is also a sweet mother who is trying her best. 

So, for me, this is a realization of a lifetime. 

Children spend their entire lives. Waiting for their parents to realize the extent of their potential. 

But the thing, I dont think Indian parents want their children to go beyond te abilities of the parents because if they do, then it would be proven that the only problem about someone's success and happiness is actually the result of how much you believe in yourself. 

And Indian Parents are ridiculously shitty in loving themselves. 

So, I am earning money, and I am leaving. And I am taking Jasmine. I am keeping a nominee for my money, keeping a will. And I do not want to give my money to my parents, I do not want to spend time with them anymore. 

My parents are everything wrong with my life. Because I have unflinching and immovable trust in myself since the day I died. 

Sure, I'll send allowance to my direct family, because hello, I don't want them to crib about how ungrateful I am or become bitter only because of a trivial issue like money. 

I just want to, remember my family as the family I loved and then leave them before I say something I can't take back. 

Because I am getting very close to saying things, and I promised myself a long time ago. 

If the problem can't be solved, do not say anything about it. Do Not Waste your time, energy, or mental peace on something that is definitely out of your control.