Betrayal of the century

Horold Pinter- Betrayal 

I am in a workshop that is reading this play. 

I saw this girls practice performance of trying to say no to Jerry. 

And it hit me, I, as a female, do not know how saying No looks like. 

As I registered how it looked like. There was a rush of memories. 

Some back story. 

I also.did the same scene and while the guy was persuading me for a kiss. His hand held me so tightly, as if I couldn't say no even if I wanted to. 

So after my scene I was a bit shaken. 

Then I see this girl saying no. It was painful to watch. The girl with wide brown eyes just saying no, trying to get away, stuck in a corner. 

Now the thing is. That has never happened to me. 

But what has. I have been emotionally manipulated into a situation of love and enderament. 

I was made into this puppet by men I have met in my life. Always the same, you are so beautiful, you are so exotic, you are so cute, I love watching you when you waddle around your mother. 

Yes, a 40 something man, coming to our house to fix something. Another man caressing my thighs, making me feel something that a 12 year old should not even know of. 

Another one trying to remove my hair from my face,and looking me in the eyes with all the love in world. 

In reality, I am just a girl with harcore mommy issues. Jiska fayda har tareeke se uthaya gaya he. 

Now that I think about it, if I WAS EVER ACTUALLY EVEN IN LOVE!?!?.

Now when I think about it. If I am ever in love with a girl of that age. Would I touch her? Or would I guide her towards education and financial freedom. 

Would I want her in need of me. Or would I love watching her fly on her own. 

Definitely the latter. I am not crazy about anyone. 

It's lovely to watch him work. Ingrossed in his work that he so dearly loves. 

I need the love I have showed everyone. 

Fuck what people will think. 

Oh she went to Mumbai! Oh she wanted to be an actresses or something in the film industry. ! Oh she loves theatre and art but is.opting for something else. 

If someone out there actually loves me. They'll know why I did what I did. 

They'll understand that I am just a second generation kid in Mumbai. Who did her best. 

Yes I want to be an actress, but not like this. I want to be gorgeous again. I want to have my hair again. 

I want to wear sarees. I love suit salwars, skirts, mini skirts, tank tops, bralette, the sexy and the sweet. Everything. 

I want my hair again. 

And I want the peace of mind that when I come back from a boring job, I can go to watch a theatre alone. 

When I wake up for my boring job, I know my plants are watered and healthy.

When I rush to catch my boring job, I know I can throw my clothes anywhere because I am responsible enough to clear it out. 

I know, out of all the people in the world, I will understand why I am pausing everything else to be able to rent a home anywhere in India and do a job there for a year. 

I know that out of all the people in world, I would understand why lavanya stopped pursuing a very easy dream. Because lavanya never had a chance to dream. The only thing she ever really truly wanted was to feel safe. Safe to say that ac is bothering her. 

Safe to say that she is hungry. 

Safe to say that she wants to wear something pretty. 

I know.my mother is trying to fix it. 

But if she ever really knows about everything. I don't really know how she will react. She will definitely not keep it to herself. 

And I am beyond getting fixed with a sorry. 

All this because mother's don't teach their children how to say a simple No.